I started writing this a while ago. I finished it today. Rereading it I feel like I’m writing about two different things. Two frames of thought that are similar but different. This started out as “Worry” but ended up being “Words from A Song”.
I know I spend too much time worrying, wondering and looking back at things gone by and moments in the past and the still reverberating echo’s of my history but those are the things we know for sure, aren’t they? Those things are sure and no one can say anything against that. The past can be confirmed by everybody because we’ve already been there. We’ve lived through it. We all have different versions of it, a different story to tell but the important thing is that we’ve had those stories and they actually happened. I don’t know why, I don’t understand any of this and this might confuse a lot of you but the thing that bothers me the most is why things that happened so long ago have such a powerful effect on your soul. How can something be so real? That might sound ludicrous to most but it’s the only way I understand it. It feels almost too good sometimes to be feeling whatever it is I’m feeling. There’s just no explaining it. The explanation is always going to be a vague one and although I feel it right now and there’s no doubt in my mind of what I feel is real, it just cannot be explained. I think this has to be the exact frame of thought my mind is in right now. How confused and garbled the inner workings of my brain are.
When I was a younger I didn’t realise how free and at ease my mind was. My mind is much more troubled now and how my state of mind affects others bothers me a great deal. I don’t want my feelings to affect other people. It feels criminal. It is criminal. I don’t want to make excuses anymore, I want to take the blame but I just don’t know how to put it into words. I have nothing but I feel everything. It’s so hard to put feeling into words. I wish someone could just hold my hand and everything I feel would somehow transfer itself onto the others and they would understand everything… exactly as I felt it. There would be no need for words. Just feeling.
Maybe I could take the words from a song and then make things clear but then what I would be saying has already been said before. It’s wouldn’t be what I was saying at all. It would be a plagiaristic attempt at conveying my thoughts and that isn’t acceptable. I don’t want to do that. It wouldn’t help at all. But I just can’t help but think that those words would be perfect.