21.

Hopefully I won’t regret writing this in the morning. 

I’ve realised I will always feel lonely.

Even during times when I’m surrounded by all my closest friends, I know I am going to feel that aching sensation of there being too much air around me. Something always feels missing to me. It’s no one’s fault, really. It’s just a feeling I am probably going to have all my life. Trying to explain it to myself has often left me frustrated so I’ve decided to stop and try to live with it instead.

I turn 21 today and I can only hope that the years ahead will be kind as they can be. I’m not sure why I’m talking about this, this feeling, when I’m turning an age where there should be greater and far more important worries on my mind but there’s a strangeness in me that keeps me up at night and urges these incredibly ineffectual fingers to write down these thoughts I carry whilst slowly glancing across to a film I have now probably seen close to a hundred times.

It’s not all bad though. Sometimes, I do welcome this feeling of alonenesss like now where the words come swift and clear, to myself at the very least.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “21.

  1. Happy Birthday, Zeeshan!
    Okay, it might sound weird and stupid, but just for the day, don’t visit your blog, because if you do, your mind will start driving on a gear that’ll leave you uncomfortable and as you put it, frustrated.
    Give yourself a day, and then read this again.

  2. Mahima

    I feel every word you’ve written. I detest the aloneness but I also find it comforting at times. It’s not all bad, you’re right. It’s just some days that are bad.
    Anyway, happy birthday. 🙂

  3. Marin

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  4. Belated birthday wishes, Zeeshan! I’m so sorry I didn’t discover your blog in time to wish you properly. But I was amazed when I read this post, because I can completely relate to the feeling you describe!

    Alhamdulillah I’m blessed with a circle of friends who are very special to me, but sometimes I too feel as if I don’t belong completely. Your way of putting it: “too much air around me” – is really beautiful. It’s exactly as you say – it’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not that our friends are lacking in awesomeness… It’s just that a part of me still feels a bit empty, and unfulfilled – and I haven’t found any company that completely fills it yet. And then this feeling of “strangeness” subsequently drives us to write. Wow!! We could be twins!! Hahaha.

    One thing I do enjoy about my “loneliness” is when it prompts me to take long walks alone. There is something truly soul-soothing about looking upon nature in solitude. I can’t describe the moments of bliss & serenity I have experienced when my “loneliness” has caused me to pull away from the world and just go sit on a hilltop somewhere, looking at God’s beautiful creation, and appreciating all the good things I do have in my life. Maybe try that next time you feel a little low – it might help bring a bit of peace to a restless heart. 🙂

    As wonderful as it is to look upon nature in solitude, I imagine it must be doubly amazing to undertake such an activity with a friend who understands you completely (bouts of loneliness and all.) I hope you find the solution to your loneliness some day 🙂 On that note, I leave with you John Keats, who expresses everything much better than I do:

    O SOLITUDE! if I must with thee dwell,
    Let it not be among the jumbled heap
    Of murky buildings; climb with me the steep,—
    Nature’s observatory—whence the dell,
    Its flowery slopes, its river’s crystal swell,
    May seem a span; let me thy vigils keep
    ’Mongst boughs pavillion’d, where the deer’s swift leap
    Startles the wild bee from the fox-glove bell.
    But though I’ll gladly trace these scenes with thee,
    Yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind,
    Whose words are images of thoughts refin’d,
    Is my soul’s pleasure; and it sure must be
    Almost the highest bliss of human-kind,
    When to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee.

    • Thank you for this wonderful comment! It’s very comforting to find words like this that reveal similar souls. Know that I take words like this to heart and loneliness seems a distant worry when I read them 🙂

  5. silverrxx

    you write so well mahn wow

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