I’m writing this to make you feel something and maybe I want the same from myself as well. I don’t exactly know what it is but I hope you feel something.
All my life I’ve lived with uncertainty. I’m not even sure if all the emotions I’ve gone through in the years gone by have been what I’ve actually felt.
Was it just some strange mechanical response of mine?
I know I’ve lived through them but did I truly mean it? I’ve been thinking about this and I want you to tell me if this is something you’ve gone through as well?
I’m in need of something.
Maybe I can find myself in a lost town someday and talk to people about their lives.
Maybe I could ask them, “Have you ever smiled and wondered years later whether that smile was truly a smile? Was it what you actually felt in that moment long ago?”
Thinking about this makes me wonder about everything I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had a genuine moment of happiness or sadness or pride or fear. I’m not saying I haven’t. I’m just not sure.
Maybe I’ll put on a bag pack in one of the many tomorrow’s I might have. And I shall walk away from everything I’ve said. I will walk away from the people I knew and the people I never knew. And in that moment I am probably going to feel sad or lonely or some other negative feeling.
But I’m thinking about this now.
In that moment that is to come I will think about writing this and I will ask myself
“What is it you’re feeling and why”
A person once told me that I was one of the few people she knew that was in touch with his feelings. I don’t think I ever got to tell her how much that meant to me and maybe I never will. I’m still not sure if what she said was true but in that moment I knew… I wanted it to be.
I don’t consider myself a broken person maybe I’ve been stretched at the seams a little but not broken. There are many who are broken beyond repair. I still cling on to hope as many do and maybe that’s why I’m unsure. Unsure because I’ve seen people fall. Fall and break down.
When the day comes and I think about these words, maybe that’ll be the day when I’m truly sure about my emotions. Or maybe that’ll be the day I think about today and maybe I’ll still be uncertain. Uncertain about this uncertainty?