The future holds in its hands, nothing.
In the copious time I’ve held my gaze at it
All I see is this white place,
A docile sheet of paper laying on a desk.
Sometimes there are lines draw across it
As if tempting me to fill them with words I do not have.
Maybe that’s why I keep looking backwards,
And no, not in a simple glance over my shoulder either.
My entire being faces the past and everything it encompasses.
In it I see the riches of moments and the spoils of nostalgia.
It is quite a view.
So I turn 23 today, apparently.
It’s been a few years since I’ve written one of these self reflective pieces so I think I’ll give it a go this year.
Where am I at? I’m not quite sure. I remember saying something similar last time I wrote one of these. I wonder if it means I’ve not made any progress. I feel that much has changed but in such a way that nothing seems to have. I feel calm tonight and not even the sweltering heat of the Middle Eastern summer makes me feel restless. I’d like to think that this is due to song I’ve been listening to today.
It’s one that I saved to my playlist quite a while ago but today I decided to hear it again. It’s called “The Long Way” by this Irish band called The Coronas. I don’t know what it is about it but it’s the type of song that makes you feel nostalgic about the future. Is that even possible? When I listen to it I see myself, aged and grey, still trying my best to walk ahead of the people in front of me but I also see someone walking beside me. And somehow this memory, that doesn’t exist yet, transitions to a cool night where the wind is a temperature that’s kind to my skin and yours, whoever you are.
Maybe we’ll make a bonfire, who knows?
You are a gift
To my soul,
For you water it
With an essence
That only spills
From your lips.
You shimmer it
With a light
That doesn’t cast
and myself feeling
Just as safe
As if we were hiding
In the shade.
There you are again,
As I find myself back pedaling
Whilst you are turned aside.
We are heading
In separate directions,
Away from the end of something special
Well, maybe just for me.
But this is not the end,
I say it in my head
And politely ask it of you
In my imaginary voice.
You must be someone
Who’s come from above,
For as I thought this prayer
I swear you could hear it.
Inspired by the words of the wonderful, Himani 🙂
My search has me
Wandering in circles.
For years I’ve wondered
Why this is?
Why is it that we,
Who search for the wonder of love
Always seem to finish where we start.
Love seems to be the journey
To finding those first footsteps
We left in the sand,
All those years ago.
I’ll take less photographs,
capture more moments
with my eyes,
my ears and most of all
For what’s more memorable
than a feeling?
I’ll go searching for things
that quicken my pulse
and keep my eyes wide open.
I’ll sit and stare
for as long as the moment lasts
and then I’ll wait some more.
my fingers tiptoed across
a dusty map.
And every place it left an imprint
I brought myself there
hoping I might find you
my head hasn’t stopped swivelling
looking up at every high rise, every lit up window
searching for your face
in every place I’ve roamed
I find you, everytime
the place starts to feel like home.
you are always with me.
you are always with me.
No, I don’t know if
I can promise you trips to New York
Where we too can get tired
Of the people
As Joan Didion did,
And run from the East to the West
Clutching at feelings that fade away
The longer we stay put.
But I do hope I take you places,
Even when I have no clue which
They might be.
Just have your bags packed,
And keep alive that readiness to leave.
To a person I miss, often and dearly.
Brave is the distance that separates the likes of us.
Us, who never could put together
A perfect sentence
That described what we were.
Us, a moment in time
Where you were just a smouldering ember
And I was the breath that tried
To not so subtly bring about a flame.
Us is no more,
But I think of you no less.
I am someone who always dreamed
We would be
No more than finger lengths away.
I am terribly late but here’s my New Year’s note! 🙂
” As the years go by,
Time too begins to wonder,
“Why do I exist?” “
Has anything changed?
This is what I asked myself as I began to write this and to be honest I really don’t know the answer to that. Maybe this is actually the year I’ll look back on after many more years have passed and I’ll say to myself, “I guess it was pretty significant after all”.
So much has happened though. I am no longer stuck on an island that teeters on the edge of the Indian, like a tear drop that refused to join the puddle on the floor. I am somewhere different, somewhere familiar yet new.
I have laughed, cried and conversed with the most beautiful and interesting of human beings. People still keep surprising me and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of meeting more of them. Faces, places and words are things I will always hold dear to my heart and I will never stop searching for them. So I hope the year ahead offers me more of the same.
I’ve looked back on all the words I’ve written this year and in them I’ve seen how my life is still as tragic and dramatic as ever. I don’t mind this at all…I think. I still do find myself to be agonizingly boring but I am grateful that my feelings still move me enough to spring some words into existence. So thank you kind reader or stumbler for sparing those precious seconds to read something I wrote. It truly means the world to me.
Some final thoughts. I’ve managed to stumble across some wonderful souls here, their writing and thoughts have captured my attention in such a way that I will always look forward to their words. If I’ve ever left a word or two on your site, then please know that I adore the mind that wrote those words. As long as you love writing please continue to do so!
Happy New Year, everybody.